Hello, This is the IDF...
Gaza Phone Tag
By MUHAMMAD ALI KHALIDI
“…hundreds of thousands of Gazans have received warnings in the form of telephone messages or fliers that their buildings are Israeli targets…”
-- New York Times, 1 January 2009
Israeli soldier: Hello, Abdul, this is the Israel Defense Forces speaking…
Palestinian civilian: My name isn’t Abdul, I think you have the wrong number.
I: As I said this is the IDF, we never have wrong information.
P: So how can I help you?
I: I’m just calling to warn you to evacuate your place because of an imminent airstrike on a Hamas target in your building.
P: But there’s no Hamas in my building.
I: Not even on your street?
P: No, there was a Hamas member of parliament on the next street but you put him in jail.
I: Must be old information, anyway, there’s going to be an airstrike so you better go.
P: Can you tell me where you’d like me to go to?
I: It’s not my business, check into a hotel, stay with relatives on the beach, take a vacation in Cyprus, just go.
P: I’ve been unemployed for a year because of your siege so I can’t afford a hotel right now. My relatives just got bombed on the beach, in the Shati’ refugee camp. And I can’t get out of Gaza because no one can leave.
I: Don’t blame me, I’m just warning you.
P: So, if there were a Hamas guy in my building, what would prevent me from going to warn him so he could escape the airstrike?
I: Hmm… we hadn’t thought of that. I’ll make a note of it for my commanding officer.
P: Are you going to call everyone else in the building, or should I spread the word myself?
I: Do us a favor and tell the women and children. We’re mostly concerned not to harm children.
P: You mean, like the 634 Palestinian minors killed by Israeli security personnel in Gaza since September 2000?
I: Maybe they weren’t civilians--we’re only concerned with civilian children.
P: As opposed to the terroristic children who attack you?
I: Hey, don’t make fun of the IDF, we’re a very sensitive army, we don’t take criticism well.
P: Sorry, it’s just that you haven’t been too concerned with children’s lives throughout this last ceasefire—you killed two teenagers on December 2. I guess they were just “collateral damage” from a targeted assassination.
I: Hey, it’s tough to be surgical, but we do our best. We don’t do what we call “Arab work”. No offense.
P: While you’re being so helpful, can you tell me when you might turn the power back on in Gaza?
I: I have no information on that.
P: Any idea when we can get fuel for our cars? Or medical supplies? Or food and water?
I: Listen, there’s no humanitarian crisis in Gaza, don’t believe the Hamas propaganda. Anyway, I’m only obeying orders, if it weren’t for me you would have been dead soon.
P: I still might be.
I: Yeah, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
P: I have to go now, I hear an F-16 overhead.
I: Right on schedule! And remember to stay away from mosques, they’re usually stuffed full of explosives.
P: (Hangs up)
Muhammad Ali Khalidi is Associate Professor of Philosophy at York University in Toronto. He can be reached at: khalidi@yorku.ca
